Indeed, this few days, spent my days and nights thinking on what I'm up to in this 3 weeks. I thought I could be happy and I tried to changed for someone that I think he cares. But...isn't it suppose that loving a person should be unconditional and love them as the way they are. That is supposed to be the words I should hold on to...I thought things could work when I try to give my best in making things work...nevertheless, I found that I'm not giving enough...or maybe he is not...is like something..or a barrier there that we keep remind or he keep reminding me on not to repeat the histories. Is like taking the relationship to the most negative and I'm likely not seeing any good future for things to work if we are not willing to give our 100% commitment...
And the things that hurt me most and placed a dart in my heart was him:
(1) Walking off just like that when I have no words...and left me to cry in lone..is that suppose to be??!
I'm most afraid of being lonely..no one try to understand how I felt for not being able to express the tense...but the words "Sorry, but you will have a lonely night tonite!" in our first quarrel is still playing round and round in my thoughts and still heartache of it.
(2) Can't understand the way my life goes...I have things to settle..my work...so at time i might be over independent and he will just get mad over the phone..
(3) Can't understand the feelling of "I have a lot of things to tell you, but I dunno what to say when I see you" and he is upset over that when I like it more to type it in words.
(4) And eventually, I dunno if i'm a fool for starting this relationship that I have to only think in his shoes. Does he know how much pressure I have to bear to get things done and from people around and fulfilled the time together?? How I think of way to help him initially? Maybe he knows...or maybe he don't even know.
(5) Kinda think that he still can't forget his former relationship/s and I don't feel the secure together..
Of course me too wanna be selfish..I want your love and to be loved like you never be in love before...which gurl don't wished for this??
Nothing he did to make me happier and felt the assurance...nothing...all it is he want me to change for being more chatty not typing in words...and just get mad when I don't have much things to say...but does he know how much I care and will try to possibly help if I'm able to?
I felt i'm such a fool...*sighhhh*
Day by day know, the gap is more and I 't think I can no longer get a long well now. It never been so easy for me to let go of something that I loved last time...but seems that this is hurting me too much consistently and I think I should just let go in peace...but why? Why is like the blame on me? Why he can't put the thoughts in my shoes??
Or maybe is my fault for not able to love someone properly now as the past is still haunting me and everything I did will still remind me of the past....hmmmm....
