Null Expectations

Expect nothing. Because expectation would only lead to disappointment. Expecting over again again again and again will be of greater disappointment, eventually a closed heart...with the vanishing of the feelings, willingness to try...

A heart that closes its door

How does it feels? Tasteless. Something that is slipping away. Maybe feeling. Feeling that fades away. Maybe fighting spirit. It's all gone, like feeling weak and unwillingness to work on anything. That's the heart that is closing its door.

On the bottom of the wheel...

Dear Bloggie,

It seems so long I didn't have to turn to you to express the feeling of upsets. For this time I just can't help it again. I can feel that my world is very very dark, empty...with no one I could turn to. People around just as realistic and turning away. It is just so sick the feeling. The time around during the month of December has always something that used to meant so much to me. It was once felt the greatest and also once felt the ever so loneliest in this period of year. Sometimes, I just wish to be a norm...to go through normal things, normal life and things could be just, if not smooth, for at least it is pleasant for everyone. It just felt that I've lost the determination to carry on...feeling so sick to even get up and live..this heart is just so tasteless and not going to fight for anything already...

Unbroken Silent

Completed Heart..Defeated Heart...Defeated Heart

It's the kind that doesn't seem likely to die
The kind of pain that cannot be spoken
The kind that rips you apart from the inside
With a silence that cannot be broken
When you look at the things that gave you passion to fight
Now your heart wears the scars like a token
And it hurts to the point that the tears burn your eyes
When you think of how you once hoped and
What you hoped for was never meant to be
If you were never to be mine, why did He bring you to me?
Why did He make me the kind to feel intensely?
When He knew that it would lead to nothing ultimately?
It's the kind that breaks all the ties that you bind
All that cultivated trust - unwoven
It's the kind that makes you paint over the truth with the lies
Fill the gaping holes - your heart looks whole again . . .
3 times shattered - maybe I should have known then
That the fact is that I am undeserving
When he broke my heart first - yes - all the truth was shown then
That my heart would be in constant yearning
For something more than just a ray of light then
A little more to keep that fire burning
I would always be a fool for this thing called love then
When the truth is I could never be that girl
Who could survive a million to be strong for the one
Who could stand up and keep fighting in the face of a blazing gun
The girl who still believes even when she's alone -
Why fight for this feeling when I'd rather be numb?
I have no fight left in me - my faith is now spent
Faded to nothing - spirit can't be woken

The pasts have taught me good lessons. That's why I will always want someone that loves me more. But, it is just so foolish thing to want right?