L-O-S-T

I found myself not the usual self I am just like few years back. I used to be a happy just go and lucky type of person and just work hard for the goals and knew well what responsibilities that I have to fulfill. But now, I felt I'm so useless timid and such a coward in facing any problems and reality and in this interval, I found myself to be so so so so fragile. I don't even know where is the last time the spirit of never never ever give up of me?? Where it had disappear within me? Where it had gone? I'm giving up so easily now. Including giving up myself. I hurt myself and doing things which I'm not suppose to. I hated what I'm going through so much that I just anesthetic myself with foods...lots of it...till I can't feel being myself...and just hide in the dark crying over it crying for the guilt I felt. Maybe I'm hurt too much or I can't accept the reality that I can't be normal or probably food will just made me feel better for a second and the next will make me hate myself so much. Day by day now, as I look in the mirror, the reflection shows someone that I hate to see so much. I don't know why. Is like feeling so suffocated could not breath at all. I can't explain. I just want to be normal and I tried to change but I'll still walked on the same path over and over again. I changed to someone that can't accept myself and I don't even know why I'll felt that way...I wonder where is the me that used to give inspiration and motivation to others? Where was her now? What is left now is the one that only hide, express herself in this little blog.....

Things that made us changed as we grow...

All the things that ever happened, that we experienced through the years amazingly enough to change a person subconsciously. Just like how I used to hate writing a composition regardless in English or Malay Language during my primary school years, but now simply, I prefer to write or express my feelings more and better in words. Something that I realized that human do changed. Including me myself. Somehow, our thinking and mindset changes as we grew older and changes based on the series of events that occurred. Most of the time, were the events that caused us pain and hurt us most would changed us. To me, life..is not easy for me. Perhaps, what I'm going through is just a teaspoon of salt in a large sea full of salt. Definitely there are more out there having to go through harder and harsher life. Often now, I'll just sit there thinking why am I going through the toughest each time for whatever that came. Nothing is easy and smooth all the time. Nevertheless, each time, I'll go through it by telling myself that God and fate made me to go through it, so I'll have a better life and things would be better in near future and I can be stronger human. Of course, as the Chinese saying goes nothing is "sap chuen sap mei" in this world. Just like I accept that nothing goes perfect and as the way everybody want. God made each human being different and unique in their own way. It is just how one's outlook towards a person or towards life. I see you good, you see me good. Nothing is perfect. This is reality and just hope that I'll hold on for what I have to go through despite the truth that it is hard and difficult and I still believe that this shall pass through too.....

Words from Daddy: Know your ability. Do not climb so high if you are not capable to. Because, once you fall, it is gonna be hurtful..

還有什麼值得追求, 還有什麼可以擁有....there is nothing to pursue..nothing to hold on to...

Somethings that resemble my feelings...truly..

~寂寞光年~

是誰從我天空摘走了星星

一轉眼

眉頭聚滿烏雲

從來快樂悲傷都自己歎息

忘了我也值得被關心

一雙手一個夢

一路上不斷的俯衝

痛到忘了要怎麼喊痛

漫長的寂寞淹沒我的難過

我的世界是零下的沙漠

其實我也想有擁抱的溫柔

融化這顆堅強的泡沫

漫長的等候讓人特別失落

鋒銳寂寞把天空都割破

還有誰能夠緊握著我的手

陪著我期待消失的彩虹

是誰將陽光都剪成了雨滴

天灰了

快樂總有限期

從來都陷在孤獨的流沙裡

忘了我也配被人在意

一個人一直走

看著夢想做了又空

精疲力盡有沒有哪裡可以停泊

漫長的寂寞淹沒我的難過

我的世界是零下的沙漠

其實我也想有擁抱的溫柔

融化這顆堅強的泡沫

漫長的等候讓人特別失落

鋒銳寂寞把天空都割破

還有誰能夠緊握著我的手

陪著我期待消失的彩虹

那是誰的溫柔

留在我的小手

微不足道卻那麼重

漫長的寂寞把意志都吞沒

整個世界是沉默的漩渦

有誰能陪我手牽著手出走

帶我離開空洞的星球

還有什麼值得追求

還有什麼可以擁有

把懷抱借給我是不是就不再顫抖

有誰能帶走這美麗的哀愁

能讓我相信被愛的理由......

~Light Year Loneliness~

Who take away the stars from my sky

In a second

the sky is full of dark clouds

No matter happiness or sadness, have to carry it by myself

forgotten that I deserved to be looked after

A pair of hands and a dream

fell continuously in the process of pursuing

it hurts so much until I forgot how to scream out the pain

Endless loneliness drown my sadness

My world is a subzero desert

actually I also need to have a warm hand to hug me

to melt this rigid foam

Endless expectation make people really loss

a sharp loneliness tore the sky like a knife

who would take my hand

Accompany me waiting in anticipation for a rainbow that soon will be vanishing to appear with me

Who changed sun light to rain

sky became dark

happiness has its time limit

it always hidden in a sands of loneliness

forgot that I deserved to be cared too

Walking and walking alone

try to reach a dream, but never been able to

extremely worn out and tired, is there any place to stop

Endless loneliness drown my sadness

My world is like a subzero desert

actually I want to have a warm hand to hug me

to melt this rigid foam

Endless expectation makes people really loss

a sharp loneliness tore the sky like a knife

who would hold my hand tightly

Accompany me waiting in anticipation for a rainbow that soon will be vanishing to appear with me

Whose warmth is that

which is left in my little hand

is not worth mentioning, yet very important

Endless loneliness swallowed all the will to carry on

the whole world is in a swirl

who would accompany me, holding hand in hand walking

take me out from this empty hole

There is nothing to pursue

There is nothing to hold on to

Lend me a hug, don't know whether I will still tremble or not

Who can take away this beautiful sorrow

And make me believe that there is a reason to be loved.....

Walking down the road alone~~~

Once again...I felt helpless...no one tries to understand...probably burying myself with loads loads of work or something to do will help ease me. I can't believe that I've been walking all alone..no one tries to understand...and all people do is judge who I am...not trying to think I have feelings and I'm a really weak soul. I cried tonight..a lot...thinking why...is it my fault...for not being able to fulfill and putting myself in their shoes? or is it I'm the one who doesn't know how to handle...at times, I felt life is meaningless. I hate myself..I hate my life..I hate myself for not being able to go through this... Although people may judge me that I have everything but do they even know how empty it is? How I sit there to cry all night without anyone noticing? People don't always express. I'm the type that don't like to express...seriously I don't even know what I should do or how I can even carry on...sometimes I just wish to sleep and never wake up..or worst, is a suicidal feeling...but I can't do this because is a sin to the people..my family that loves me a lot...

the tears just can't stop....my world is like a ground zero..nothings worth...

Why would I wanna put myself in somebody's shoes?

Indeed, this few days, spent my days and nights thinking on what I'm up to in this 3 weeks. I thought I could be happy and I tried to changed for someone that I think he cares. But...isn't it suppose that loving a person should be unconditional and love them as the way they are. That is supposed to be the words I should hold on to...I thought things could work when I try to give my best in making things work...nevertheless, I found that I'm not giving enough...or maybe he is not...is like something..or a barrier there that we keep remind or he keep reminding me on not to repeat the histories. Is like taking the relationship to the most negative and I'm likely not seeing any good future for things to work if we are not willing to give our 100% commitment...

And the things that hurt me most and placed a dart in my heart was him:

(1) Walking off just like that when I have no words...and left me to cry in lone..is that suppose to be??!

I'm most afraid of being lonely..no one try to understand how I felt for not being able to express the tense...but the words "Sorry, but you will have a lonely night tonite!" in our first quarrel is still playing round and round in my thoughts and still heartache of it.

(2) Can't understand the way my life goes...I have things to settle..my work...so at time i might be over independent and he will just get mad over the phone..

(3) Can't understand the feelling of "I have a lot of things to tell you, but I dunno what to say when I see you" and he is upset over that when I like it more to type it in words.

(4) And eventually, I dunno if i'm a fool for starting this relationship that I have to only think in his shoes. Does he know how much pressure I have to bear to get things done and from people around and fulfilled the time together?? How I think of way to help him initially? Maybe he knows...or maybe he don't even know.

(5) Kinda think that he still can't forget his former relationship/s and I don't feel the secure together..

Of course me too wanna be selfish..I want your love and to be loved like you never be in love before...which gurl don't wished for this??

Nothing he did to make me happier and felt the assurance...nothing...all it is he want me to change for being more chatty not typing in words...and just get mad when I don't have much things to say...but does he know how much I care and will try to possibly help if I'm able to?

I felt i'm such a fool...*sighhhh*

Day by day know, the gap is more and I 't think I can no longer get a long well now. It never been so easy for me to let go of something that I loved last time...but seems that this is hurting me too much consistently and I think I should just let go in peace...but why? Why is like the blame on me? Why he can't put the thoughts in my shoes??

Or maybe is my fault for not able to love someone properly now as the past is still haunting me and everything I did will still remind me of the past....hmmmm....

What I am offended to? Heartfelt things but not conveyed because...

Somehow..I don't know why? Why is it always people whom I care will turn out to be so mad when I'm mad? Heartache and it hurt me most and I am haunted by all these situation now. It is so unbearably painful to be in this situation...now is like a dart left in my heart..I can't forget and is playing around my mind...being left in anger and dissapointment when what I need most is attention and the feeling of security that I'll be safe...is slipping away slowly now...
I just want to be myself....i'm tired..

Passing By...just to say something..in words...

It's been century old since I last posted something. Time flies again and I'm into the final stages of internship and hoping like a bunny to the year finale already. Sometimes, it just get to emotional thinking back the bitter bitter sweet things that happened in life. It never been easy for me. Every path made to go through was full of thorns...and burning coals..each steps taken, there will be injuries...that leave wounds...that healed some...and some opened wound again...

Anyway, life has been a 2 revolution of change now = 720 degrees.

Just wanna take a little time to express it here...to at least just release the thoughts. I don't wish much but just that someday, my life would be better...not just being left in cold cold dark dark small small room...

What i'm really feeling now.....

I felt like...

Down on bended knees..kneeling to pray...that this life won't hurt so much and at least just send me some guidance for a brighter day and a wear of genuine smile back once more.......

Felt awfully terribly horrible...Why will end up like this? Where is the always cheerful me and the spirit of "never never ever give up" of me? I'm just too lost..deep in...

o yeah...just want to express the tense out...for some people out there...I know you guys are fast and I'm slow. So stop pitying me..with the fake sincerity and emphatic. I have my own ways of doing things...stop watching the way I'm doing and what I'm doing...stop commenting and watch out the qualities of you guys first..the end! ciao..