A pretty lousy day for me since yesterday. I was feeling damn awful. Went to bed and hoping not to wake up at all so I won't felt so lousy and bad and empty. Slept for almost near 15 hours...got up feeling odd and sick and complete a useless. Hmmm...
Probably that's what I am feeling for the past 1 year. Sometimes I'm okay and up. Sometimes I'm not okay and down and just refuse to do anything and just binge on food. And the post of it, was a feeling of self hate, so much....
Anyway, chatted with Sarah near evening just now. It brings some colors back to me. So, went out for a jog later in the evening before it start to rain...and made me think a little again...
Indeed, I'm afraid of the quietness, loneliness and emptiness too..after the break up exactly a year a go. It was so hard despite I displayed myself as okay most of the time. I completely lost myself, my determination to live, the insistence that I've always had being in the relationship despite is no other ordinary relationship for us....and the willingness to ask for nothing but only giving out most and the sacrifices I'd actually made...I thought love should be unconditional...nothing more I asked for, just to be able to have you in sight and to have you by your side to go through the downs and failures that you were actually facing...is that too much to asked for?
Guess, is too much promises, initially, and eventually, it is just empty promises...that I thought it would be fulfilled and how I thought there is till the end. If I ever get over the past or even have the power to turn back time, I guess...I'll never be so stubborn through the heart...and think from mind more..because, being together and sharing life is something that last till death...not just the sparks or chemistry in between...is about one's commitment, willingness to understand...not just disappointment by disappointment from one half...and another half keep forgiving and swallowing the disappointment in silence without noticing......
If only everything goes in reverse, I won't be so afraid now....so afraid for I thought that I might lose someone that I thought to be with me forever, forever...if I poured in too much....
Probably that's what I am feeling for the past 1 year. Sometimes I'm okay and up. Sometimes I'm not okay and down and just refuse to do anything and just binge on food. And the post of it, was a feeling of self hate, so much....
Anyway, chatted with Sarah near evening just now. It brings some colors back to me. So, went out for a jog later in the evening before it start to rain...and made me think a little again...
Indeed, I'm afraid of the quietness, loneliness and emptiness too..after the break up exactly a year a go. It was so hard despite I displayed myself as okay most of the time. I completely lost myself, my determination to live, the insistence that I've always had being in the relationship despite is no other ordinary relationship for us....and the willingness to ask for nothing but only giving out most and the sacrifices I'd actually made...I thought love should be unconditional...nothing more I asked for, just to be able to have you in sight and to have you by your side to go through the downs and failures that you were actually facing...is that too much to asked for?
Guess, is too much promises, initially, and eventually, it is just empty promises...that I thought it would be fulfilled and how I thought there is till the end. If I ever get over the past or even have the power to turn back time, I guess...I'll never be so stubborn through the heart...and think from mind more..because, being together and sharing life is something that last till death...not just the sparks or chemistry in between...is about one's commitment, willingness to understand...not just disappointment by disappointment from one half...and another half keep forgiving and swallowing the disappointment in silence without noticing......
If only everything goes in reverse, I won't be so afraid now....so afraid for I thought that I might lose someone that I thought to be with me forever, forever...if I poured in too much....
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