Because I knew.....

Today two years ago....

I once knew that...
Loving a person....
is about treasuring all the time spent together....despite the distance...
is about remembering every single words and the day meeting each other...and every event that happened...
is about trying to make them happy with lovely surprises...
is about bringing out the best and keeping each other strong all the time....
is about the trust and attachment...
and being there next to them the next second when they have problems and needed each others....


and I really do love you so deeply...for whatever I give out...was for the best of you...for that you felt deeply for me too...never before this..and I knew you sincerely meant it...
and for every word I said...truly I mean it...
and for every saying, I keep it as a note to treasure....so I'll remember..
and for the worries, that sometimes, left bottled up in yourself...felt I'm no one to you...to share with...
and how I always wished that you cajoled me, be there when I need you the most, when I said "leaved me alone" but you never did most of the time....
and for everything that slipped off your mind, disappointing me, I just forget about it...giving in once again...

BUT...


Today one year ago...

Loving a person....
is not about not willing to share the burden and failures...
is not about asking for some time off....

BUT...

is about sharing the ups and downs together...
is about going through the tough period together...
but you never allowed me too....
perhaps, I'm sulking too much?
and can't really understand you situation at edge?

and I'm sorry for trying to REMIND myself to FORGET...all the memories...
for that you asked me not to...
I'm sorry for letting go...and for breaking the feelings and shunned myself up....

because I knew, nothing going to be the same again....nothing...


Today this year...

Letting go and forgetting is the hardest thing....is still bleeding profusely...
It is the cold nights, the emptiness and the loneliness for losing something from your hand...and side...
There is no shoulders to lean on...no warm hugs...and no anticipation of waiting for the weekends for all these.....
Is like no other person closer...for it gives a big empty hole besides...now...

and today this year, nothing's gonna be the same...because I will never love like I never love before....
I will not be such a fool, remembering so many details....words, promises....
unless, if someday, someone, could just give me more and makes me felt much much more deeper....
someone that pours in more...to mend things that go wrong.....not just words said but empty...

hope all the things would be slipping from the memory one by one...
and I guess, is partially gone now...
My heart have to be strong...and tough...because I don't want to give in once again...
Needed my heart back...I'm taking it back under my own care...nurturing it to be stronger, healthier with normal beats...

~~~~~~~~Goodbye~~~~~~~

From heart...and from mind....which one?

A pretty lousy day for me since yesterday. I was feeling damn awful. Went to bed and hoping not to wake up at all so I won't felt so lousy and bad and empty. Slept for almost near 15 hours...got up feeling odd and sick and complete a useless. Hmmm...

Probably that's what I am feeling for the past 1 year. Sometimes I'm okay and up. Sometimes I'm not okay and down and just refuse to do anything and just binge on food. And the post of it, was a feeling of self hate, so much....

Anyway, chatted with Sarah near evening just now. It brings some colors back to me. So, went out for a jog later in the evening before it start to rain...and made me think a little again...

Indeed, I'm afraid of the quietness, loneliness and emptiness too..after the break up exactly a year a go. It was so hard despite I displayed myself as okay most of the time. I completely lost myself, my determination to live, the insistence that I've always had being in the relationship despite is no other ordinary relationship for us....and the willingness to ask for nothing but only giving out most and the sacrifices I'd actually made...I thought love should be unconditional...nothing more I asked for, just to be able to have you in sight and to have you by your side to go through the downs and failures that you were actually facing...is that too much to asked for?

Guess, is too much promises, initially, and eventually, it is just empty promises...that I thought it would be fulfilled and how I thought there is till the end. If I ever get over the past or even have the power to turn back time, I guess...I'll never be so stubborn through the heart...and think from mind more..because, being together and sharing life is something that last till death...not just the sparks or chemistry in between...is about one's commitment, willingness to understand...not just disappointment by disappointment from one half...and another half keep forgiving and swallowing the disappointment in silence without noticing......

If only everything goes in reverse, I won't be so afraid now....so afraid for I thought that I might lose someone that I thought to be with me forever, forever...if I poured in too much....

H.A.D

Had gone through the pain, then only knew how to protect ourselves;

Had gone through the tears, then only knew what is the grieving feeling means;

Had been silly, then only knew that at the right moment to insist then giving up and letting go;

Had LOVEd, then only knew ourselves were such a weak soul and frail person....

just let the "Had" be the Past Perfect....because...
the most important part of our lives are the present and future...
and let the past perfects remain as memories...and not as the doings in future...

Move on...
be the real person...carry on and strive for the best for our own sake...
and be somebody significant....
and not just somebody that cries in lone when...
the world is rotating fast...
with nobody giving a damn on you....

As the numbers gettin' larger and larger.....

Have you thought of who were the first person or first few close friends that you met in the kindy? Or the closet friend that you have or had when you start your primary? Or whoever that made you cried and hate them so much during your primary school time? Indeed, I'm sure just like me and everyone's memory, there will be a deep impression of some unforgettable events or people during the childhood period. I can say that some of it are still vividly in memory but some of it might have completely vanished, only to be recalled when you saw some familiar names or faces in some social networking sites. It is such a funny thing in this thing called "fate". It made us meet the person in our lives and sometimes it takes it away with the hatred, love, silence, fightings...or whatever that might happened in between. It is such a funny thing that you can dislike a peer so much during childhood, and eventually, that person might end up being a good friend and I've even seen some becoming lovers.

In anyways, as the age is adding up in the years to come, I've realized there are so many things will no longer the same. Our thinking, mindset, outlook towards life... generosity and selfishness towards the people around, they are changing as time goes by. In fact. the fighting to get the best in life made us changed adding up to the responsibilities on hand as we grew older. There are so many types of people now, in this big big sophisticated world...different faces, different names and the complex part is = human with different attitude. Some may need companions and some prefer to be lonesome. Some may be selfish and carefree. Some may be generous and selfless. Some may be outspoken. Some may be timid. These are just the nature of a human's attitude and how the effect of the things surrounding them as they grew up towards their outlook and thinking.

It is the fate that a human can't determined of who will come into their lives and may stay or might leave. The fate is the one that determine the causes of their doings and acts. Regardless of that, a human can certainly add some control to their destiny. Destiny is predetermined in our own, very own hands, although it is small. We're the one that control the choices and alternatives landed for us....

So.....no matter what the consequences (better days, rough days, laughters, tears), it is the choice that we've made our own and it is the non-humanistic determinant that control the outcomes...
The most important thing is to bear in mind and foresee our responsibilities clear towards what are the right thing that we should do. For instance, filial piety and nothing above that...and be a merciful person because whatever that goes around from your hands, are the one that comes around back to your own hands, scattered towards the people around in your fate.

~Need some Blessings~

Done with my 2nd last final exam in uni. Think I had did it horribly this time around. Never felt this way before. Anyhow, things have been felt to be indifferent for me. No feelings of finishing exam nor excitements. Just out for some meals right after any breaks in between. Probably thinking of the dark and gloomy and so so so much more challenges to come in the days ahead, I'm outta of the mood most of the time. No holidays despite is a break. I hope things won't be as triple-fold difficult. I need some blessings and lucky stars...like how I bottled up the stars and with all the wishing in each of it....

~Like-a-Rainbow~

The L.O.V.E that we shared...

was just like the rainbow...

waited in anticipation to be seen...

something that is so beautiful...

but...

it only appeared once in a blue moon...

only at the 45 degrees of a rainy sunny sky and sometimes it isn't complete...

and...

it only last at an instant and very soon disappeared...

just like the L.O.V.E we shared...

The rainbow that appeared is so beautiful with the colors that simply cheer anyone's sight. Too bad it only appears on certain circumstances and even when it does, it should be only in a very very short period of time. There were so much memories of the past that I'm still crying on each night. I just can't help it. Is so short. So short of something so beautiful and I could never recaptured it by any means. I think I never will. All that I have was the expression that I put it in words to resemble how much emotion that I'm going through despite being told to live the presence and future...not the past.

A lot a lot a lot of memories.....flashed through

There were so many things I want to blog about. Just because of time constraint, not many updates were made and even there are, it is a very short and simple post. By the way, final exam has just started. I guess there's so many memories of final exams here in UTeM since I've started uni life back in 2005. In a blink of eyes, I'm already now in final year and this time around is my 10th final examinations in uni. Anyway, of so many exams, this time around is a complete different feeling as my life has changed so much providing even the marking system has changed to a higher weightage. Regardless of that, I'm still standing strong although I'm no longer holding so tight on things. Still fighting for the papers. 1 down and 5 more to go. The counting downs...........

Modeling and Simulation (DONE)

Project Management (DONE)

Business Entrepreneurship (DONE)

CNC Technology (DONE)

Engineers in Society (DONE)

Lean Manufacturing (DONE)

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FYP I Presentation