Tearless Cries..

Living in the dark...lonely..cold. How long would I stay like this? How could I get myself back again. I don't want to pretend that I'm fine all the while when I'm not at all deep in my heart. I'm tired..this is real..I am...I'm tired..I'm really...I promise myself not to say the "tired" word...I don't want the meaning of "tired" exist in my dictionary...but..I don't want to hide and cry alone when I'm alone..Is completely painful.. Tell me..how should I get my feet back on the ground again? How should I? Pleaseee help me...I'm in pain..pleaaseee, i'm begging...my heart aches...I felt lifeless...I...God please help and guide me...

Assure me that it would be FINE, please...

I found myself to post very frequent lately...to blah about what's happening around me..hmm..guess this is the only place I can express my thoughts now ='( I've waited too long already for the one that I wished to hear most from but nope, not at all...where's the one that I needed most?...or at least the words I need...that I still mean a thing or a portion in his life after all the times...moments...hmmmmmmm...I miss him and I need him to keep me warm...safe...assurance..maybe he don't even know...hmmm...
Anyway, for the time-being, the crucial thing is, I just want everything to be fine, everyone to be well, healthy and happy. That's what I hope the most..especially for mom to get well very very very very soon. I just don't want her to suffer after all the things that she's been going through with her health deteriorating in the past months...keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard for her to fully recover from the inflammation she got in her stomach. We'll never thought how would h. pylori a bacteria which she was infected with when young could caused all these today. Brought mom to gastroenterology clinic this morning for an endoscopic scan. The scan confirmed positive of the present of helicobacter pylori bacteria and it has infected the wall of the her stomach, eventually causing inflammation. Hmm..the inflammation explained the symptoms of her complaining of feeling dizzy, stomach discomfort, weak and all sorts of illness including the rapid weight loss all the while she's experiencing . At least now, the reason is known and the causes of all the sickness is partly answered. By the way, according to the doctor, this bacteria is contagious and run in a family and it could remain unknown in the body until either tests were done or when there are symptoms shown in later stage for an individual which has been infected..so the doctor recommended that me and my dear sis go for a blood test as well because the possibilities of being infected were high...haiizz..guess I'll take the test later. Still, early detection is better to avoid scarring of the stomach or even to prevent more serious condition (I do not want to mention it at all)..haizz..pity mom..we're worried of her condition..and she's even more worried and thinking all sorts of things lately...I just want her to be well like how things used to be...*sighh*

An old wound that never heals..bleeding harder now...

A wound that never heals, just it has been bandaged all this while...Now, this wound started to bleed again very profusely and growing bigger, larger. It hurts..incredibly extremely painful...no one knows..It hurts so much..unbearable pain that tears just keep falling each and everyday for the extreme pain felt from it....
I felt cold, dark, insecure...there's not even words now..no..not at all..
Is it too much that I asked for for just some words to show you care...or answers that I know I'm still important to you...maybe I don't understand you enough...but but..under the circumstances, you could just simply show some loves..maybe one or two of loves that I know I still mean a thing to you...maybe I don't deserved the loves...i don't...maybe someone else did whoever knows...there's nothing you did to assure me..nothing...All the time, I don't even know if I keep you strong...and maybe I'm invisible whoever knows...

There's too much tears that falls now....and I just can hope..only hope...that my feelings would be answered someday...that someday you could care enough to slowly stitch the wound back with simply some words...or maybe the someday will never comes whoever knows...

Because..deep in me, you are still my everything and always be...and I'll always love you even maybe someday when I realize that I mean nothing to you...even you think that I'm just a "passer-by" in your life whoever knows....
Falling for only once and never in this life again..never...

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

The silence would make me feels empty. The emptiness would make me feels lonely. The loneliness would kills me inside out. Grateful to have a great bunch of buddies..they are the reason for me to hold on to something that me myself not sure of..their words, their encouragements, their advices, their cares, how they make me see things in a different way so I won't stray too far from the sidewalk...friends are friends forever...

The words would always be in my mind and memory and it would be played over and over again like films playing without sound...

"Live for today because today is a present...do not always think about what's gonna happen in future...be happy for the present cause is a blessings to have these great moments now"

"Why do you always think about the wrongfulness he did and all the sorrows that happened in between both of you...where have all the happier times, moments that both of you spent together gone to? C'mon..think of it"

"Do not always mentioned the 'maybe' word...it shows that you are doubting on all the feelings..be sure of it"

"Live, Love, Laugh"

"What goes around comes around"

"Love me for who I am, not what I am"

"I will always love him and miss him although he mean the world to me yet I mean nothing to him..because I'll only love once and no one could replaced him nor changes my feelings towards him"

"Follow your heart as long as you are happy with it"

"How could I move on when even letting go is hard now"

"Is not worth to let a tiny friction destroyed our friendship built all these years..is just not worth"

"Hardwork is the one that stays forever"

This was only part of the words you have my dear..there were whole loads of it that I'll never forget. Thank you. Thank you for being a great friend by me all these years. Although how our lives have changed in these past few months, something won't change at all..our friendship...it would stays..We will be happy and live our lives to the fullest...smile always!! =D

~Our dads are proud of their daughters... =p~

Weeping HEART through the Days, Crying EYES through the Nights...

~Why Didn't YOU...~

What am I fighting for
I don't really understand
You're not there anymore
To simply hold my hand

A lover I found in you
But also the greatest friend indeed
You've taught me so much
I can't give you up, for it is you that I need...
it's you you you you and only you..

I've blossomed in many ways
But now I've lost so much
So much strength you gave me
With simply a soft touch

Good news or bad
Or simply for advice
I could always count on you
But now I think twice

I keep looking at my phone
But it just doesn't ring
Not even a buzz
A text it doesn't bring

Those moments were so very often
But now have become extremely rare
Words is ALL we have between us
To show how much we care

You are incredibly wonderful
And to me so fine
But why can't you stop and say hello
Seconds it would only be nine

It only takes phone call
Your voice is what I need
The most important thing you took away from me
My greatest desire you no longer feed

It sounds too simple
Wanting to hear your voice
This path we have explored
Was both of our choice

I have the greatest respect for you
Having always praised you for your ways
But somehow I fell off of your heavy plate
And I don't hear from you for so many days

I need you so much…
I can't begin to explain

I would wait a lifetime
For a moment with you
But not knowing when I'll see you
Tears me up in two

I don't want to hurt you
Or ever cause you any pain
But it definitely hurts me
For you always think I complain

I'm so very confused
Words I simply need to hear
Or even just some shares of words
Words that bring me relieve…
Words that make me felt secure…
Words that let me know that I’m still keeping you strong...
Words that make me feel I’m still important to you…

There’s nothing left in me but tears keep rolling…
From my HEART in the days that passed…
and from my EYES through the cold cold nights I slept through….

Sometimes...

Sometimes I reach out,
Stretching my hands towards the sun
(In front of my eyes)

The light decieves me
Every so often,
As is if I could see the color clearly.

Sometimes I reach out,
Stretching my hands towards the moon
(In front of my eyes)

A small glimmer of light for
every so often,
I still know I am here.

Sometimes I reach out,
Stretching my hands towards something
(In front of my eyes)

Every so often, it hurts..
because most of the time I reach out
no one happens to be there..

Is Money Everything??

In the good old days, people often said money is not everything. But love, family ties and all the values which money can't buy is worth more. Hmmm...but now...maybe people's perception and mindset changed. They have to be materialistic and realistic because money is the one that buys everything including health. It is said that money is everything now for the survival in this complicated world, society, living. Short of $$$ is where all the problems and quarrels start even in a family itself...or maybe people will just come to look for you when you have the financial power...Perhaps, I should believed now that money is everything. Hmmm..I just can't believe how a big quarrel happened..all because of money. All those extra harsh words uttered..words that really break the hearts..words that never should come out...all the affections of 30+ years has just gone like that. Sometimes, I don't know...hmm..mom is not well and all she want is a little more attention and care from dad..but all he did was..hmmm..starting a quarrel all the time...tears keep flowing..not just from the eyes but from the heart and all the heartache came because of $$$ issues..even a tiny issue turns out big...hmm...yada yada yada...

mood: heartbroken

Time Flies

Without realizing, it's been a week after I finished the last paper. Time just past like that and at times, I felt useless and uneasy for not doing anything meaningful at all in my days when I have break..hmm..perhaps the entire week I should just get some good rest before starting a completely new working life as an intern. Maybe in the coming days my life would just revolves around going to work in the morning and back from work and reporting myself and what I am up to in my training. The only time left for me would be the weekends and of course it would past just like the speed of lightning without realizing. Sometimes, I just wish to have more time, for myself and quality time with mom, dad, sis and bro. I've even reduced my daily jog and workouts :o Hope I won't gained that much weight after all. For now, I am slowly trying to adapt back to a normal eating lifestyle but of course in a smaller portion. In this past few months, I think and maybe the people around me thought that I have some eating disorders as a consequences of going too far in my weight loss thingy. Eventually, I realize how it has taken me too far emotionally and pshycologically. Thankfully, I manage to slowly realize that my body could not sustain in long term being in this way as there were some pre-signs showing that I'm not fine and how my health has been affected. Now, I just tell myself that is ok to gain a little weight and it won't be that excess after all, as long as I'm healthy for the coming days in my life.

Post-Exam

This semester was a really different experience for me, in fact for most of us. For me, is completely different..maybe not just the stress I got from the worried that I might not be able to cope at all, well, there were too much personal problems involved along the months...ups and downs.. 15th November was our last paper for our 3rd year exam and then bidding farewell to exam as we're not gonna have any exams, tests or quizzes the following semester. Indeed, me and my buddies manage to rayau-rayau around for few days. Hehehe!! We went jalan-jalan in Malacca town for the first 1 and a half day in town..window shopping. The following day we just shoot up to Genting to release off our tension all this while bottled up in ourselves. I guess I need some time off too from everything that happened. Huhuhu..I nearly lost my voice for screaming to the top of my lungs after some thrilling rides in the theme park. =D It was a short-gun plan actually. Initially, we wanted to catch a bus from Malacca to KL and then from KL to Genting. Later on, the plan changed as Az's bf gave her a better and more economical idea to drive up to the skyway station. So the plan go smoothly with 4 of us travel up in Az's kancil (She has a good driving skill and thankful to her and the co-driver, Ms. Salini as well) . The thing that surprised us was that it didn't rain at all throughout our journey..not even in the highway. I guess is our luck for that trip as it's been raining most of the days lately.

~Wakakaka!! The too fast too furious shot??~


~My 2 dear Salu and Az~


~The Malacca River Night View..luv it~


~Az and Yen with a breathtaking view =D~


~Why I hug the tiang???~


~Jonker Street, Malacca~


~Luv the environment~


~Hehe! Jumbo Ride~


~Inside First World Plaza..Christmas Mood..hmmm~


~Classic~


~Peace!!~


~We're besties~


~Az and Yen~


~Chocolates..yummmy..~


~Chocolates..my fave..~


~We're stamped in that clock~


~Woot!!~


~Az, Yen, Salini, Atiqah~


~Preparing ourselves for the 2 revolutions..hehe!~

Poor poor abandoned bloggie...

Pheww....seems like i did it again. I neglected this blog again. Well, exactly a semester since I last posted any updates here. Perhaps, in coming days I'll spend more time blogging =(
After all, the past half 6 months were a really hectic life for me. It is a revolution of 360 degrees change in life for me as well because there were too much things happened. I can't even get a good weekend for the entire half a year and to the extent I have to think of what work to complete each morning I got up. I'm grateful is over now. I'm real thankful and grateful for the blessings that I got along the way all these years...for having a supportive and warm loving family, friends and a smooth flow in my studies. After all, I'll be having 2 weeks break after my final exam and then after, wakakaka...is my internship period. Will be attached to Spansion in Shah Alam for 5 months and I hope everything would be smooth in that interval. Hmm..is so nice to be home again. So so so glad to be able to stay home and live a pampered life for 8 months. Kihkihkih =p