I dunno I dunno I dunno...I dun care I dun care I dun care!!!!

Hell....I'm tired. I'm just human. Why can't anyone understands? I'm screaming inside for the pain...screaming on top of lungs and bursting my voice inside out. But no one knows how badly time is so limited with so so so so so so so so many undone task?????? The pain is torturing me inside out. Why no one has mercy? We're only humans. If I could I wanted so badly not to sleep for day and night. I just couldn't stand it. I can't I can't I can't!!!!!!!!! Is accumulating and lifeless with the sleepless nights....

WTF??

A single night I need to compile and proof read and edit a biz plan...I need to study 80 questions + theories for a test and lucky to have get the case study done earlier....and need to come up with VSM....and coming weeks I still have more and more and more tests....Lean project...EIS Project.....Simulation Project....Final Year Project....more more more presentation...and all left UNDONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Felt like shit...just wanna run away or shut my eyes and dun wanna give a DAMN on it...buzz-off!!!

Exactly....

A quote from likelicious:

"Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don't make her fall, if you don't plan to catch her"

Losing the trust for a true love, yet is still so deep from the past...

I don't want to be a replacement in anyone's heart...

I want it fair for myself...

I don't want a replacement in my heart...

because I want it to be fair....

not just a replacement for the past....

someone that never let go....

someone that fight....

someone that never walk away....

and catches all the time....

and make me believe that there's a reason to be loved...
not just love for the sake of love......

Guess is hard. Just too hard to completely forget and moved on......I'll just hugged tight to faith and let the fate paint the path ahead...and make it through another day....as time goes by....

What Should I Do???

What should I do? How should I deal with? I'm so down.....I wanna cry......how should I lived through the days? I couldn't take it anymore.....is just too much and no mercy at all.....Just felt like shunning myself in lone and cry.....though the tears won't bring any mercy at all....

~When the Goings get Tough and the Toughs get Going~

No no no.....It was working for me in the past years I'm here starting my uni life. Everything seems to be heading to a straight line end eventually and everything was of what I wanted to despite how I should not deserved that outcome and how the hardest challenges that I was being test on. It was so tough that I let go and let things to just go and just do whatever I'm capable of. It was like that. The tough just gets going. How come things are getting tougher and it wouldn't get going lately? Hmmm....No matter what, I still believe I could make it through. There will be brighter days after the dark and gloomy clouds linger above me. This is only the small part of the chapters of life. There are much more bigger, tougher parts through the chapters of life..just like flipping the pages of a book called "life". I'm still holding on tightly not only for the sake of myself but for the people that really cares and loves me so deeply. My parents mainly are the one that drive me going now. At times, probably they won't be able to understand what difficulties I'm into and how much dead meat my situation that I am in. However, they knew they won't understand, but they give their best of best to provide me with the supports I need, the love that I need, the warm of a family that I need, a place to hide in when I don't have the courage to reveal myself to reality and even the advices that I need. While writing this post, the sacrifices that they gave me just came flashing through my mind and made me cry a little. They are the one that never judge me no matter how I looked, how tired, how a failure I am. They are the only one that could see me when I'm at my worst condition. They are the one that weep for me when see me in pain dealing with the illness I was once haunted with. For the rest of the time, all I want to do is to stay by their sides as much as I could and trying to be an independent girl as always and not to leave them worrying for me. I'll stay strong and determine to be a better person and striving for the best just for them.

~Through the Rain~

When you get caught in the rain

With nowhere to run

When you’re distraught and in pain

Without anyone

We keep prayin’ to saved

But nobody comes

And you feel so far away

That you just can’t

Find your way home

You can get there alone

It’s okay

What you say

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down

Don’t you dare give in

You will arise safe and sound

So keep pressing on

Step fastly

And you’ll find what you need

To prepare

What you say

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

And when the wind moves

And shadows grow close

Don’t be afraid

There’s nothing you can’t face

And sure they tell you

You’ll never pull through

Don’t hesitate

Stay calm and sane

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain

Can stand up once again

And I live one more day

And I’ll make it through the rain

~Don't let a girl fall, when you can't even catches her properly~

Ugly reality. There is no happily ever after after. How great of the power of love could actually bring someone to the top of the world but most of time left someone in emotional battle. Of course, the being on top of the world is wonderful. Is wonderful to have all the sweet time all in a lover's world totally ignoring and forgetting the people around. Is so wonderful that everyone is willing to made promises for good future...promises for never breaking the heart....which eventually is so null and empty. Is hard to even believe now there will still be true love. So what? So what if I asked for promises by promises to work hard to mend things that go wrong? So what if I asked for commitment? Is all empty as time goes by. So what if I said, not to let a girl fall, when you won't be able to fight to catch her? Is all the initial spark of love. In time, it will all be forgotten. And the reality now, is, each of individuals pursue for perfection. They never appreciate. That's why relationships are so fragile now....

中秋节快乐

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival to all family and friends. Couldn't make the reunion with family this year as 8月15 falls on a weekday. Anyhow, not much celebration made here other than having mooncakes. Usually on this day when I was younger, I'll just like to spend quiet night observing the full moon and going for long walk with my daddy. I seldom do that now...hope someday, I can have a clear night sky and watching over the full round moon by the shore of seaside...total awesomeness!! hehe =D

Enjoy the Moon Cakes yeah!!!!

~Forgiving and Forgiveness~

Another week coming. Dreadful. No longer looking forward towards Wednesday as I used to be when I was in my junior years here. Probably I could not foresee the things I wanted to do and each Wednesday passed with a feeling of guiltiness. Most of the time, I knew well what I want, and what objectives to achieve and start the ball rolling. Seems now, the ball is a square ball and I can't start it rolling in any way. Hmmm...probably I don't have the enthusiasm and spirits of doing something that I can't have a clear understanding of it. I know whatever I mentioned here, are only EXCUSES!!!! Is all the lame excuses. Nothing could stop anything if one has the seed of determination. After all the things happened in these few years, it made me changed so much into someone that is so foreign to myself. Most of the time, when I hated myself, I chose to hide and just shunned myself not talking at all to anyone. Once, I knew that whatever I did and whatever achievements were the gifts to my parents and made them proud of their daughter. Because, I knew this is the only thing and responsibility that so far I'm capable of to make them happy and not to be too worry about me. I don't want to disappoint them and I realized they never stop giving up on me and never stop to sacrifice for whatever and give their best so I could get the best in life. My thoughts have grown up so much faster ever since I realized all these responsibilities since I was a teenager. But, as I moved to the young adolescent stage, things start to change and more drastically when another close person enters my life. I've was swapped off like strong current from the sea, parting from my principles and the values that I have in me. I was ignorant of what was said and it become a gap in between me and all of them that truly cares. Thinking back now, I hated myself for being like that. I knew I've disappointed them. I knew very well. Yet, I was forgiven all the time for being like that and they are still fighting for me in whatever ways and still protecting me under their wings no matter how bad I behaved. To realize now, they are the only one that would never neglect me and love me forever and hope for nothing in return. That is the forever I see. I don't want to disappoint them. I want to make them proud. I'll be strong and they are my inspiration for me to be a better person....

~When it is yours, it is yours; When it is not yours, it won't be yours eventually~

Almost forgotten about this principle. Certain time, humans always have this enviousness towards what other humans owned. At a point, we'll have to stop and try looking at things at another perspective. Why do we need to envy of what they have or whatever luck they have? God and fate created each of us differently in different way. Be proud of what you owned and be sure to work hard and think of ways of owning the dreams that you dream of...just with your own little hands and with the strength of your own bones. Trying to get something not belonging to you could invite unwanted outcomes not now but in near future or worst, dragged to other generation. My dad is always the wise man that said "I am stingy of my wealth, but, I won't aimed and greedy at other people's wealth not belonging to me". Because, without reason of trying to cheat others won't do any good. I can say, good for the cheater now...but disastrous for his/her offspring. There was this story I heard from my parents. Is a story of a lady in Pusing, Perak. Long long ago, during the communist period, she have found a good wealth buried in the forest and the source of this wealth is actually from all the hard earned wealth of the villagers. She took it and made it hers and need not think of being poor again for the rest of her life. Yeap...after the hard times of the war and all that in the period of pre-independence, people suffers and hardly made few cents a day to made some food on the table for their children. Yet, with the unintentional wealth she have, she make it through easily. Nevertheless, the bad karma is seen in 3 of the generation of her offspring. So, this story left a really deep impact on myself and never to have something not belonging to you. Remember about bad karma. What goes around comes around...and not in one or two folds...probably in tenth-folds...

~Run Serene Run~

At a point I felt like running away to somewhere I could hide. I don't want to bother of any thing, any matter. I want to be the coward that hide in the shell. I want to runaway to somewhere that I won't have to think of all the things that I have to deal with. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up. I'm dead tired. What am I suppose to do? :'"( I'm not motivated. I don't want to face the reality. I don't want people to judge me always. I'm a human too..an ordinary human.

above above
^^^The true colors of me ^^^

It spins and spins and spins and spins....

Another post in less than 90 minutes. I'm really really tired with the long night yesterday and today and having to sleep only 1 hour this morning. Tried to take a short nap half and hour ago but as I lay myself on my comfy newly-changed bedsheets bed, I felt really cold and down with a runny-nose. It is not that, that disturb my sleep. I realize that I've been staring above the ceiling on the fan spinning, spinning and spinning. As it spins, I can felt myself dropped into a time capsule bringing me back to things that happened, faces and people I met a year ago. Not to forget the promising and happier times that me and him shared together with his family. That was only a year ago. I can't believe reality and fate could really be so cruel. Never to notice, a lot of things could no longer be the same in just 9 months. I've started to accept that we'll never meant to be together although initially it is felt the sparks are there to stay forever and beyond. We both accepted that we'll never meant to be together anymore despite how close or how much me missed each other. Time changes everything. Things just don't go its way, is like two paths that crossed at the beginning and eventually the paths were diverted into two different way. You'll never want supports when you needed most. Probably is too complicated for me to understand and often, it would be the topic of quarrel to us, and mostly, it is all buried in your heart. After the months, so many things happened and at times I'm wondering what was your feeling every now and then. Today, I realized that you have lost another most important person in your life a few months back, after your mom passed-away when you're 16. Is really an unexpected and disturbing news to me after getting to know from someone close to you. Seems that everything go down south and right now, I'm only be able to pray and hope that you'll be okay and just go on with life no matter what and for the sake of your little boy. Be strong and turn the rough days to better days. Will always here to pray and to wish that you'll be okay and let the tough gets going in your life.

Ahhh...achoo...

Oh great. Runny nose again. Seems like my body have a really weak immune system now. Sekejap runny nose...sekejap headache. I've been complaining about frequent headaches to my mom and she made a conclusion that the cause of it is the lack of workouts and joggings. Somehow the sweating could detoxify and build a stronger immune system towards any infection. I guess is true and I found myself to be lethargic and feeling unwell apart from gaining weight after stopping the workouts for quite some time. Hmmm...probably my parents are healthier than me in relative with age factor. I could felt the shortness of breath and my legs are shivering after climbing nearly 10 or 11 floors up the staircase in the First World Hotel last week. Suprisingly, with my dad and mom's age, they still could do so without any complains. So...relatively, i'm old. Anyway, mid semester break gonna be over very very soon and to be exact, merely 60 hours left. Kinda do nothing for the past few days and I don't even know where had all the time went missing. Time flies. Sometimes, when I'm not given enough time, I complained. Sometimes, when I'm given ample of time, I can't get anything done despite the heaps of time. Is that what we call "not appreciative"? Yeah..human...humans are greedy creatures. Not knowing how to appreciate when something is by their side and only to notice and regret it when certain things had gone forever from their lives. Anyway, I'm back to Malacca again with the 72 hours left. I was supposed to be here yesterday evening but didn't make it last minute after my mom and brother persuaded me to stay another night. Till today morning mom still reluctant to let me go back and she wished that I would stay a little longer and yeah, my brother's prediction of today's morning rain is right. It rained cats and dogs when I was about to go out around near 7 am, so I didn't make it on time and waited for an hour ++ . Is still raining and it rained the entire journey back to Malacca and the heaviest as usual was at Seremban. I wonder..raining..will it be a good sign? I'd read it somewhere that when the rain started to fall when you are about to go out signify a good indication. Well, hopefully it is, though is a little superstitious. The journey today is dragging long as I'm driving slowly and no speeding at all, afraid that I'll be fined. After reaching my 2nd home here at Malacca around 10am, without further hesitation, I cleaned it and shine it though is not that dirty. =D Maybe is the upbringing of my parents since I'm young that I was trained to clean our own room and household. It made me comfortable and felt satisfied when all the area were clean and smells good. Haha! Frankly, I can't stand dirty floors, dirty kitchen and dirty toilets!! As a result, after all the loading, cleaning and unloading jobs, I felt my back aching. Probably packing and shifting up and down the stairs last night and the most taxing part is dis-assembling and assembling my desktop PC which is mataphored as "Elephant" by my dad and "Giant" by my big bro. Wuahaha.. Anyhow, all back to normal now, with the table setting and the room setting and then next, grrr.....don't know how bad I'll suffer to complete the mountain of projects and assignments...

didadidadidadi =D

The Switch...

Often....all the postings or shout-outs I blah out was something that is really dark, pain and empty. There was once, I said "Is dark..getting darker and empty and I'm afraid". So...there goes a friend who naively said "Switch on the lights, my dear so it won't be darker anymore"...and I said "The world would be a better place if we could just switch on the light with a switch". This friend replied to me "oh dear...but we must find out where is the switch...don't worry...you'll find the switch". Actually what this friend meant was totally true. When is dark, you'll have to search for the switch and light up the light of life again. So in this post, two lessons learnt; one is about the "switch" lesson and the other is about the switch - switching a faded black and white and gloomy blog of mine into brighter, cheerful colors. Incredible of how I relate this word "SWITCH" in 3 different terms (Switch = action on or off, Switch = plug, Switch = change). Just like life, there will be a problem but the solutions can be of many ways. Here it goes, gave my bloggie a face lift over-nightly and so long to the old dark and black template. Though, black for me is still an elegant color, but, think is time to change for some cheerful and tranquil colors. Cheerful colors definitely has the power to bring optimism outlook towards myself, the life, the days ahead and anyone that drop by here.

The switch case and also the human case:

We're all the SAME because we're all DifFer3nt!!!

~~~Happy Malaysia Day to all Malaysian~~~

A Hair Cut....again...

The last time I cut-off my long hair, everyone was so surprised or shall I use the word "shocked" and start asking me what's the urge to make me do such "rapid" decision and my answer was "I'm not happy with life, so I cut it off, short. And isn't it better in this style?" Well, probably a hair cut that I've never thought of, is something that resembles of forgetting the past and all the emotional thingy. And also to forget that he likes me in long hair. Well, I guess most men like ladies in long hair. I used to be keeping long hair (never fail to be over my shoulders and the longest was to my waist) and an occasional trimming to get rid of the split-ends. At that very sudden, I just want it to be short and just let go of it, additionally with some style. People said that the hair reflects so much of one's internal life - and what's going on with them emotionally. So don't believe when a girl cuts her hair all off or completely restyles it and yet denies there's anything going on. Bet that some sort of emotional change is taking place and usually a dramatic cut reflects a whole new phase of life and to forget something that is troubling them. So from the past 6 months, I've started to have short hair (just touching shoulders) and kept a promise to keep it long for now. I wished to keep it long again and it would be awesome having long hair in the convocation rob and mortar board. Hmmm...but I think is difficult to make it grow back in a short interval and indeed it takes time for the growing process...and after 6 months of the shortest cut, I cut it again, today :O Probably felt good having short hair and hopefully I won't have the intention to cut it again till next year. =D

Hunched-Back

Is it a sign of me getting old? My back hurts and is getting more hunch now. I blame it on the way I sit to do my stuff. And my posture. And gaining back almost all my weight.

Hmm...and stopping the long distance run, perhaps. I should salute myself for being able to run 10km in an hour each day. So I wonder when I can put my feet back and start doing that again....

lololololo :D

I'm a thief....

Poor bloggie...I abandoned it again for the past few months. Anyway, I'm back to Malacca, studying life and it proved to be ever ever more taxing than expected after 8 months of non-study life. While, for the past few months of semester break, I've been worrying a lot mainly on FYP and till now, I'm still worrying a lot. Things were not as smooth and it was, and always that way for me. And I'm a thief because I procrastinate a lot. Is so hard for me to focus on anything now. Probably is the 720 degrees change that happened in my life. I could no longer hope for anything now. And letting go and forgetting is even harder when getting back into the life in Malacca. The emptiness is felt greatly along with the memories that flashes through. I know I can make it through...I can...Right now, I have to realize what are the priorities in my life and what should be coming top in the list. Though, sometimes, I still wish there would be someone there to motivate and support and give me the strongest of all strengths that I used to have once. Thinking about it made me felt emotional and missing the days I once had in the past. Everyone told me to forget about the past and move on. I know. I will. I'm doing. Nevertheless, once a while I still subconsciously think of it and ask myself why does this have to happen to me? I hate him so much. I hate him for making my life miserable. I hate him for bringing me up to the 30 floors of a building and eventually leaved me there alone without any alternatives to come back down. The only alternative that is, I jumped and fell and hurt badly from the fall. I hate empty promises. Why promise for a willingness to work hard to mend things when eventually you are not going to fulfill? Is like you throw a dart into my heart and this whole life I won't be able to patch back the hole caused by it. I know is not worth for me to feel emotional anymore for a person that treat me that way. But is too deep. No one would understand. Sometimes, I wonder if I'd lie to myself and just wearing a smile in the public. Hmm...guess..I have to really moved on. Is not worth. By the way, life is really hectic in Malacca. Is busy but I still did enjoy it very much. Probably singing and eating is still the way to express all the anger, stress, emotion...yada yada yada. Broken my own record with the numerous visits to Dreambox. According to my friends, better treasure and enjoy it to fullest as you'll never get this opportunity anymore. Studies...well...is kinda hard for me in fact most of us to stay focus. There are so many work...so may projects...so many tests....apart from attending lectures and labs. I've even neglected my FYP for other subjects and I hope it should be ok...but I have to help myself and start somewhere to get the ball rolling. Time won't wait and the rude awakening is that, without realizing, half a semester has gone. I felt like a heated earthworm when I return to Malacca after semester break..Anyway, everyone at home was doing okay..Mom has gain a few kilos extra and healthier now. No complain of feeling not well and no more visiting specialist anymore. Just that she is having joint pain in the leg. Same goes to dad. Going out with mom in the morning for a walk in the park with his new dream car. He even found new interests from flying kite in the park, playing with a control helicopter to catching fishes in the park. Really happy to see them enjoying their good old days. They're always the inspiration to me.

Learn to laugh...to live and to love.....
A fall could made us grow and be a better man....