~Forgiving and Forgiveness~

Another week coming. Dreadful. No longer looking forward towards Wednesday as I used to be when I was in my junior years here. Probably I could not foresee the things I wanted to do and each Wednesday passed with a feeling of guiltiness. Most of the time, I knew well what I want, and what objectives to achieve and start the ball rolling. Seems now, the ball is a square ball and I can't start it rolling in any way. Hmmm...probably I don't have the enthusiasm and spirits of doing something that I can't have a clear understanding of it. I know whatever I mentioned here, are only EXCUSES!!!! Is all the lame excuses. Nothing could stop anything if one has the seed of determination. After all the things happened in these few years, it made me changed so much into someone that is so foreign to myself. Most of the time, when I hated myself, I chose to hide and just shunned myself not talking at all to anyone. Once, I knew that whatever I did and whatever achievements were the gifts to my parents and made them proud of their daughter. Because, I knew this is the only thing and responsibility that so far I'm capable of to make them happy and not to be too worry about me. I don't want to disappoint them and I realized they never stop giving up on me and never stop to sacrifice for whatever and give their best so I could get the best in life. My thoughts have grown up so much faster ever since I realized all these responsibilities since I was a teenager. But, as I moved to the young adolescent stage, things start to change and more drastically when another close person enters my life. I've was swapped off like strong current from the sea, parting from my principles and the values that I have in me. I was ignorant of what was said and it become a gap in between me and all of them that truly cares. Thinking back now, I hated myself for being like that. I knew I've disappointed them. I knew very well. Yet, I was forgiven all the time for being like that and they are still fighting for me in whatever ways and still protecting me under their wings no matter how bad I behaved. To realize now, they are the only one that would never neglect me and love me forever and hope for nothing in return. That is the forever I see. I don't want to disappoint them. I want to make them proud. I'll be strong and they are my inspiration for me to be a better person....